On How to Clear Your Colon Efficiently

Number 4: Write a how-to on something you had never done before.

For this experiment, I chose to eat at America's favorite restaurant, Denny's, for the first time.  I'm going to give you my experience in an easy to follow, stepwise format.

1. Walk into the amalgamated truck stop/Denny's, walk past the Cabela's Deer Hunter and mathematically impossible Stack Champ arcade games, and get seated by the metrosexual Kentuckyan waiter.

2. Lookit dat menu, boy!  I never knew there were so many different ways to eat eggs and bacon!

3. Order your egg/syrup/meat/lard digestion golem from said waiter.

4. Watch Duck Dynasty on the TV screen in the corner until your food-construction material bastard hybrid arrives.

 5. Use your fork, knife and any high grade explosives to carve through your purchase.  Place it bit by bit into your mouth, and chew (use your molars exclusively, as your front teeth cannot handle it)

6. Fight through every urge your brain sends to stop this madness.

 7. FIGHT IT YOU SISSY

8. If you can walk after finishing the meal, leave this 10th Circle and find a place to write your last will and testament, as you slowly feel the life fade from your bones.

9. Make sure whoever is driving you (as you certainly won't be able to operate machinery at this point) is able to stop at a gas station on your way to your destination as your intestines will be working overtime trying to figure out what they did to deserve this.

10.OH GOD WHY

11. WHY WON'T IT STOP

12. [Expletives Deleted]

A short fiction.

The third entry in a project among blogfriends.

Prompt 3 - Pick a random song and write a short piece of fiction about it.

Song: "I Say a Little Prayer" by Burt Bacharach

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLCRUWCETK4

Evelyn and Anthony Todd were married August 19, 1944 at St. Andrews Catholic Church in the town of Addison, Ohio where they had both grown up.  It was a smaller ceremony than Evelyn had imagined growing up, as most of the men in both families had enlisted and were either in training or overseas when the date arrived.  Still, it was a more enchanting experience than the 22 year-old bride could ever have imagined.

Anthony made the decision at the beginning of October to enlist, being the last of his 3 brothers to do so.  Evelyn was devastated, but she knew how much it meant to Tony to follow the path his brothers took.

The US needed men; the European front had settled down after the Allied push during the summer, but the Pacific front intensified.  So on January 24, Anthony boarded a bus to Seal Beach, California for deployment.  He was to board the US Carrier Altamaha as it shipped out on the 28th.

The first few days were the hardest for Evelyn.  Each day she'd wake up in the bed the two had shared for only 5 months, somehow thinking he might be there as she rolled over to his side.  She'd go through her daily morning routine - shower, makeup, dress herself, eat breakfast - hoping that this was the day she'd get a letter saying that the Allies had won, that Tony would be on his way home.  She knew that day was far off, though.  She did receive letters from him, however.  Usually once a week, she'd get a short dispatch from him, his awful handwriting would make her laugh.

She spent her time working at the local hospital where she served as a nurse's assistant, reading, and hatching ideas for the eventual coming home party she'd throw for Tony once she got that letter.

Evelyn walked to her mailbox on Thursday afternoon, the time when Tony's letter would usually arrive.  She opened the mailbox and saw another one of his letters, the familiar splotchy black ink running and dried down the bottom.  It said that this letter would be the last one she would receive for a while, as his regiment would be going to Oki, Ojiki, some island that he couldn't spell and that Evelyn couldn't pronounce.  He promised to personally make the Japanese Emperor surrender so that he'd be back in time for the Addison Community Festival in Spring.

Evelyn kept on her routine, believing it would help her manage without Tony.  Not every day was the same, though, she did have visitors - usually a relative of hers or Tony's, she would play cards with the nurses on weekends, she even attended a few friends' weddings - bittersweet affairs though they were.

The days started to feel like weeks, the weeks like months and years, still she waited for Tony's next letter.  She filled her mind with happy thoughts - the home they would have in the future, how many children they would have, Thanksgiving with their families together, vacations taken to the beach.  It helped in the beginning, but there were only so many thoughts that could keep a young wife occupied.  How long ago was his last letter - 3 weeks?  4?  It seemed eons ago.  She couldn't believe how slowly time felt to be passing.

She found new ways to pass the time, yet she seemed in a daze.  She hadn't anticipated life to be like this when she said "I do" in August.  But once Tony got home, everything would be better.  Life would be back to normal.  The days passed, like they always did.

On an especially warm evening, Evelyn came home from the hospital working a later shift than usual.  She changed her clothes, made a light meal for herself, and afterwards sat down in the parlor.  She decided to listen to the rarely-used radio in the corner, a gift from her brother not too long ago.  She couldn't remember the local station's channel, so she searched until a signal came in.  A voice came in, fuzzy at first, but stern and excited - a news broadcaster.  Some big event going on, the first of its kind.  She had tuned in too late to hear exactly what.

We now go to the live feed where the man himself is...

There, she'd find out what the commotion was.

That's one small step for man, one...giant leap for mankind.

Evelyn still didn't understand what it was about.  Confused and tired, she turned the radio off and walked into her bedroom.

His Name is Bruce.

The second in a project among friendblogs.

Prompt: Take a picture of something you see every day and write about it.

This poster hangs in my apartment bedroom; I've owned it for about two years.  I guess not many people know that I really like martial arts films.  My fascination started when I was young (maybe 6 or 7 years old), and my uncle was visiting us from Wisconsin.  I came home from school to find him watching quite possibly the coolest movie of all time - it reminded me of a video game I had on the NES called Kung Fu.  The game was one of the cobbled-together versions of Bruce Lee's Game of Death, and the scene I walked in on was Lee fighting Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Since then I've loved martial arts movies, especially Lee's.  I remember staying up until 4 a.m. during middle school on a Tuesday night because Fists of Fury was going to be playing.  I've lost some of my fanaticism since then, but kung fu movies will always hold a special place.

Another reason I have the poster is Bruce Lee's personal philosophy.  Some may be familiar with Jeet Kune Do, Bruce Lee's own brand of martial arts.  The physical aspect stresses spontaneity and non-telegraphed action in fight scenarios, but since I'm an out of shape pansy, I tend to focus more on the personal philosophy of the thought.

A leading principle in the style is to be like water:

"Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. That water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend"
- Bruce Lee, to Pierre Berton, 1971

I'm attracted to this way of thinking because it is completely opposite of how I usually live, in my opinion.  I'm a creature of habit, stubborn and tenacious.  I've believed that trying to incorporate this type of adaptability would improve my life.  If Lee could use this philosophy to avenge Master Huo in The Chinese Connection, maybe it could help to make me a better student, writer, comedian, friend, and an overall better person.

A first.

 For my first blog post ever (officially 3 years after I created this blog), I'm going to write about a first for me.

The first (and only) concert I went to was in the spring of 2009. The concert was Billy Joel and Elton John on their Face to Face Tour. I got two tickets as my only birthday gift, and I gave one to my friend Eric Lauterbach to go with me, although I almost changed my mind at the last minute and took his sister, whom I had a huge crush on at the time.

The drive to Indianapolis was an uneventful one aside from the birth of an inside joke between Eric and I that consisted of a guy obsessed with the physical act of "snowballing," the contents of which I will not get into here. This character persisted all night, ordering two Indianapolis policemen, passersby, and eventually Billy Joel ad Elton John themselves to snowball each other.

The concert at Conseco Fieldhouse was fantastic. They sang their hits, they sang each others songs, they sang together, there were Elton John costume changes, Billy Joel hammed it up with theatrics, and it was an amazing experience overall.

On an ending note, one thing I've noticed about huge events of this sort (concerts, sporting events, etc) is the level of camaraderie present in men's bathrooms. Whether its small talk, joking, or noting the irony in urinating while Elton John is singing "Burn Down the Mission," it's always there.